Changed

Ask anyone who's preggers what sex they want, and inevitably, they will answer "a healthy baby."   But if you are like me, you never really think it through, and just assume that a healthy baby is what your gonna get. So, the minute you find out there is another little one about to join the crew, you dream, and make plans, and inevitably those plans include a "healthy" baby.

That all changed with our son.

The pregnancy with the small dude started out normal, we turned down early testing, because I was only 24, and we naively thought that nothing could be wrong.

So, the "BIG" 20 (or by this time I think I was 22) Week ultrasound came, and as most couples do, we went into the day excited to see the baby. I went into the ultrasound thinking that I didn't want to know the sex, but then out of curiosity, I asked the tech if she knew what it was, she looked at me and asked if I wanted to know. Well, I had to know if she knew! Cody took more convincing, but finally gave in, and we found out that we would have a son. We left with our little pictures in hand and the shocking knowledge (at least for me) that we would have a son.

For some reason, I had booked a follow up appointment with my doctor to go over the ultrasound. That in itself was rather odd, as I never did that, assuming (a) that nothing would be wrong, and (b) that if there was by some slim chance, they would call me. That day, as my doctor pulled up the ultrasoud report on her computer (Which she hadn't even read yet) and I saw that there was a huge paragraph of writing on the report. And my heart sank.

Normal results don't include a paragraph of results.

Spud, it turned out had a thick Nuchal Fold, which is a marker for Downs Syndrome. We needed to be referred to the High Risk Clinic for further testing.

Shock set in, I left the office and headed back to work. I don't even know what I was thinking. I called Cody and lost it. This could not be happening. Not to me, not to us, not to OUR baby.

By the time we made it to the High Risk Clinic (which took about 2.5 weeks...a saga all of its own) we had convinced ourselves that we were right. This wasn't happening to our baby. The tech had obviously measured wrong, and he was fine. Just fine.

The Techs at the clinic found the same measurements. And also noticed that our son had a short nasal bone. Another marker. A Perinatologist came in, and explained the results, and the chances of us having a baby with a Trisomy. With all the findings, the chances of him having something wrong were greater than the risks of further testing, and so, we went ahead with Amniocentisis.

Again, we drove home in shock. Not thinking, not wanting to consider that this was our life, our child. Not wanting to consider that in an instant the dreams we had for this child, our son, could change, completley.

Once we arrived home. Reality set in. And we cried, and we talked, and we wondered. Were we good enough, strong enough, to raise a disabled child? How would it affect us? Our Daughter? What if we chose not to go through with it? Could we do that? When we knew he was a boy? When I had felt him,  We had seen him? Why was this happening to us?

And unfortunately, with Amnio, results are not instant. Thank goodness due to the fact that they were worried about Trisomy's they chose to do a FISH test, which "only" takes 3 days.

Those three days felt like a lifetime.

And then, the day came result day. The day that we couldn't wait to come. And yet dreaded. Because we knew that this day would change our lives.

I called, and the results weren't in.

They would call us back.

So we waited, and waited and waited.

And then the phone rang.

It was them, and so I asked. And they said it was negative. He was fine. I fell to my knees, and the tears of joy were unstoppable. We called our family, and couldn't even speak.

And yet regardless, of the fact that our son is fine, we are changed. I will never take my childrens health for granted. I will never look at a disabled child the same. Because that child is my son. Whenever I see them, I see my boy, and I know that childs parents have dreams and hopes, and love for their baby just like I do mine. And I know that in the blink of an eye, in the time it takes a Dr. to read you results, your world can change. And every day that I am able to snuggle my kids, to smell their hair, to crawl into bed beside them and just feel them breathing, is a gift. And every word that they speak, every new thing they learn is a blessing. And I will never, ever forget that.